Cave Wisdom

I am sitting in a cave, deep within the earth, in absolute darkness and silence. I have retreated here internally because my life in the world has become a multi-ring circus of horrors and I have no idea of how to deal with any of it. My mind is as dark, empty and silent as the cave, as I yearn for a way out of the chaos.

On an impulse, I extend my arms around me and realize that there is enough space around me to stand. Once standing, I find an opening wide enough, tall enough to move forward. As I do so, I can tell I am on an upward slope. Feeling my way, I move slowly through the darkness until – quite suddenly – the atmosphere changes and I sense a vast opening directly in front of me. It is high and deep and wide – a yawning chasm. There is still no light, so I trust my senses and stop.

Perplexed, I am frozen on the spot. Now what? One step forward, and I could be free-falling into an abyss. Then a hint wiggles its way into my awareness: “Reach out with your arms in a sweeping motion to determine if there is a clear space in front of you.” So I do that. All clear. “Now extend your right foot forward, just barely forward, and lower it to determine if there is solid ground in front of you.” Yes, something is there. “Now move it to the left to see if the ‘something’ is wide enough for two feet side by side.” I sweep my foot slightly to the left, and there is enough width for both feet. “Good, now take that one step forward with your right foot and then bring the left foot alongside.” I do this, and am now standing one foot-length forward from where I froze. “Keep doing this process: arm sweeps, then foot testing, then taking a step. ONE step.”

One step at a time, blind but able to feel my way with arms that find no obstacles and feet that find enough solid ground to move both feet forward one step. This is my only hope, my sole strategy for finding my way out of the darkness of not-knowing how to navigate extreme threat. My body will carry me, when my mind is impotent.

This became my entire strategy for reclaiming my life. One small but solid and grounded step at a time. As Churchill said, “When going through hell – keep going.” I kept going.

That was more than 10 years ago. Since then, the “wisdom of the cave” has guided me through several dark and hellish experiences back into the light.

The circumstances that inspired the visit to the cave gradually resolved – or didn’t – over the following months and years. Some losses were permanent, and recovery meant adapting my inner and outer worlds to accept them and move on. Other losses ended, and the “bleeding” stopped so I could heal from those. Gradually, the chaos subsided as I walked slowly back into a world where my life was worth living.

Then another one came along. I had to stay on my property, behind a locked gate, for three months to protect myself from an attacker. It is hard to sit still, to not DO SOMETHING, even when doing something will only make matters worse. I wanted to regain control, assert my will, declare my independence, own my power, stand up for and defend myself loudly – all of which would have been disastrous. I did take small, solid steps within my confinement that eventually brought me back into freedom of movement and the lifting of oppression.

Within a day, a new catastrophe arrived. Where I lived, a wildfire took off at high speed, eating up homes, forest, livestock and wildlife at a mind-boggling speed. When I looked out the windows and could see flames cresting the next hill over from us, I realized that the mind goes numb in the presence of imminent disaster. Luckily, I had taken some small steps in advance and had assembled essential papers and items in case of fire that were ready to grab and go. This was fortunate because it is extremely hard to think logically and sequentially when faced with huge potential losses, whether of property or life – or both.

Flaming cinders falling in the yard tell you that you can only take what fits inside the cab of the pickup. No time to dither. Solid steps: what is irreplaceable? Everything else stays. No clothing, no shoes will go – only documents, keepsakes, paintings, valuables. They are what will be solid steps toward rebuilding a home that will be MY home. Pets, of course – we didn’t have any, so that made it easier. Our neighbor had to shoot his three llamas as flames burned the fences around his property. Many lost pets and livestock. Priorities: living things first, irreplaceables next, and the rest stays. Small but solid steps back to the future.

For the following year, I worked every day with fire victims on fire relief and recovery. Stunned, numbed, unable to think clearly – they all suffered, for months, from the shock of the losses suffered. But I had something to offer them, the “wisdom of the cave.” Everyone had a story, and every story was different even though we all shared the same disaster. Every post-fire journey was unique and personal. One man who had terminal cancer pulled himself together; fired by determination, he was one of the first to replace his house with a manufactured home so his wife would have a home when he was gone. Many others took their insurance money and left, unable to even contemplate rebuilding in a fire-ravaged landscape consisting of blackened earth and trees. Lifelong friends and generations of family were separated in the aftermath by their necessary choices, which meant that the losses in the human realm just continued. The once beautiful and thriving community lost over half of its population. The poor and the elderly – and the stubborn – remained.

When the future is impenetrably dark and the past is irretrievably gone; when you are standing in the void of loss, bereft of vision, stripped of everything that told you who and what you are, frozen and mindless – reach into the space immediately around you to verify that there are no obstacles to block you and that there is enough solid ground beneath you to take one tiny step forward. And then take that step. It is enough. In fact, it is huge. Each step carries you away from the catastrophe and into a new possibility, even if you can’t see or imagine what it could possibly be.

Even as the ripples of loss and grief continue to extend through days and months, with new shocks a common feature in a changed world, step by step life begins to reassert itself. People find their feet and get back up on them. They tentatively feel for solid ground and slowly move forward. They find the hands that are reaching out to help them and – often reluctantly, sometimes with unwarranted shame – accept the help. Humbled, they extend their own hands to help those stumbling forward alongside them.

In a crisis or catastrophe, it is not the resources of the government that makes the difference. Yes, they do help but they also come with many strings attached. It is the human beings who show up to give what they can, even when they themselves have lost everything. It is neighbors, strangers, family, friends – who let a friend sleep on a couch for months; who donate RV’s and trailers for those who can’t leave their pets or livestock behind and need to stay on their land; who load, truck and deliver water tanks where wells are burned; who bring truckloads of pet food and hay/feed for animals; who show up and cover burned bare ground with rice straw to minimize sliding hillsides when the rains come; who sow wildflower seeds and plant thousands of tiny tree seedlings; who donate money and food and time so hot meals can be prepared twice a day for months for those who can get there; who offer rides to those whose vehicles have burned so they can get groceries and medicines; who sit and listen with empathy to the stories told over and over, as they too have their stories; and so much more.

Each of these are small, solid steps toward recovery, toward rebuilding a future that is livable. It is the people around us that provide the solid ground for each step forward out of the utter darkness of loss and disorientation. Their acts of human kindness transcend every difference, because a disaster is quite impartial. Religion, gender, race, politics are irrelevant. Everyone suffers, everyone responds. These acts reveal a unity of the human spirit that becomes the foundation for and the ground beneath the courage to invest and engage in life once again, one small step at a time.